the silent killer

2009-11-24T21:44:00.000-08:00

"she's living a lie. that hurts. more and more everyday."
"the truth will set you free. unless you're guilty."
how nice the statements are aren't they.
in this world.
the truth hurts so much that we lie to ourselves.
we lie to others.
we want them to see us in the exact same way we want them to.
but after time goes by.
we get tired don't we.
of acting.
of pretending.
of guessing who's acting.
of being unable to see through their lies.
of being unable to see through our lies.
it hurts so much that we stop.
and we turn back to see.
perhaps nothing was real was it.
or is it that we're so lost in our lies.
that we forgot which ones were the truth.
and which ones were not.
sometimes as we tell ourselves to stop.
to let people in to who we really are.
to stop deluding ourselves into a fantasy that never existed.
it's almost impossible.
because you're so used to it now.
the truth or not.
it doesn't really matter anymore.

;isn't it?

2009-11-01T04:24:00.001-08:00

look what you've done amanda.
look what you've done to this perfect life given to you.
the perfect family.
the perfect education.
the perfect company.
the abled body.
well look what you've done to screw it all up.
all you give to others can easily be replaced by another.
another who is most probably much better than you.
insignificance.
its not only now that you've realised.
then why are you so shocked.
why cant you do anything better than any other.
why cant you run.
why cant you hide.
why cant you make things better.
oh yes im sure theres something you can do much better.
you're best at making this world imperfect.
you're best at making things worse for other people.
you're best at screwing your life and others'.
GREAT.

im sorry world.
i know i came out perfect.
i know my parents gave me a good life.
so im sorry.
for tearing apart this perfect whole.
im sorry for contibuting nothing.
for making people think,
oh what an imperfect person in this perfect world.
oh wow you're surrounded by perfect people.
making you feel even more imperfect.

amanda you know.
im appalled by your imperfections and the large quantity of it.
im appalled by your futile efforts do undo everything.
im appalled at how you pull everyone down.

hopelessness.

2009-10-25T04:18:00.000-07:00

wow great.
realisation.
how it hurts.
realising that those you thought were always there,
are leaving.
realising that those you thought were never there,
are gone.
realising that you're left on your own,
to face all the difficulties.
how it hurts.

today i saw maggy say some stuff on my tagboard.
(refer!)
idk she seemed to make sense.
but anyway.
idkidkidk.
idk how im really thinking.
for a moment i agreed.
for a moment i disagreed.
anyway yes im naiive.
i like that.
i hope i'll stay naiive for the rest of my life.
i hope i won't know a single thing about the coldness of people.
but no,
hopes never do come true.

confusion.
all the thoughts are whirling around.
but no i dont need anyone to understand anything now.
i dont think anyone can do anything.
i wanna open up my mind.
and see what im really thinking.
damn it.
why is it that whenever things seems to get a little better,
something has to be screwed up.

forsaken.

2009-10-24T00:20:00.000-07:00

when people say that noone understand them,
i really wonder if they really tried to understand others.
i really wonder if they really tried to look for someone to understand.
i really wonder if they really tried to let themselves out,
instead of hiding and hoping for others to find them in their holes.

yes everyone has their secrets.
the dirty little secrets the dont want people to know.
they all have a darker side.
everyone wants to hide their secrets away.
they dont wanna stand up to the pain.
(secretsbygcftw!)

but its not possible for people to realise the secrets.
when it gets boring when noone sees through the lies.
people start thinking that noone understands.
but isn't it that they didn't want people to know anything,
from the very beginning?

perhaps they didn't want to look desperate.
perhaps they didn't want sympathy.
perhaps they needed empathy rather.

i admit i once thought that noone understood a single thing.
i admit i once thought that noone bothered to understand.
but now i realise that i never needed them to understand.
i never needed them to do anything for me.

so perhaps,
try understanding other people.
and show it,
if you want other people to understand you.
or noone would know a single thing.
you make your decisions,
you accept the outcome.
its as simple as that.

somehow.
i really hope.
that things are really just as simple as that.

2009-10-20T06:25:00.000-07:00

i shall post so i will remember today.
for the rest of my life.
so at least i'll see how my definition of the worst day ever differs.
remember 20 october 2009 amanda.
its the day when you failed in something you always excelled in.
its the day when you when you wondered how it hurt.
its the day when you got scolded without feeling a thing.
its the day when noone, i really mean noone at all, cared.
its the day when you saw things for the first time.
its the day when you tried so hard and yet it all leaked out.
its the day when you look around and asked yourself;
why isn't the weakness leaving now that the pain is here?
its the day when you saw vacant eyes and hoped you felt something.
its the day when you faked a smile almost uncountable times.
its the day when noone really bothered how bad it was for you.

people say, everyone has their bad days.
but why is mine different?
when will my good day come?
why wont my storm end?
why wont the sun come out?
why wont God listen to me?
why wouldnt anyone spare a thought?
why wouldnt i strengthen myself?
why wont the weakness leave?
why wont the tears hide?

perhaps it doesn't matter, does it?

no, it does.
every single thing does.

2009-10-18T00:41:00.000-07:00

today i screwed things up.
real badly.
i said things i wasnt supposed to.
i did things i wasnt supposed to.
i heard things i wasnt supposed to.
i saw things i wasn't supposed to.
she said we'll pretend that nothing happened.
but im sure we both know inside.
that the scar's there.
nothing would be the same again.
right?
perhaps i shouldn't even have said that.
or even saw that.

why doesn't anything last.
why can't i hold on to that moment when nothing mattered.
why do i have to live in the hole when everyone else is out in the sun.

hold on by gc!
march on by gc!
i really do hope that the songs are real.
that someone knows how i felt.
that everyone bleeds the same way i do.

but are they?

2009-10-15T22:45:00.000-07:00

"tolife: you made yourself a bed at the bottom of the blackest hole; convinced yourself that its not the reason you dont see the sun anymore."
(okay i took some time to figure what this meant, with the help of megan)

it made sense,
but perhaps it doesn't really hold a lot of truth in it.
i admit that i can't see myself through another's eyes.
but nope, i didnt hope for this.
its not a bed even if it was true.
it could be cell.
it could be a freezer.
it could be just nothing.

or perhaps,
it was subconscious.
to block everything else out.
to block everyone else out.
in this hole.
its safe even when its dark.
even when it seems like noone was going to bring me out.
it doesnt matter.
not anymore.
bec somehow,
this hole seems to have merged into my life.
without me noticing.
and even when the sun shone in,
i would hide in a corner,
hoping that it doesnt shine onto me.
it became a habit.
and eventually,
it never mattered.
even if it hurt.

at first i hoped someone would bring me out.
i hoped someone would understand.
but after several futile attempts.
it seemed like it was just another fantasy.
and it became clear at once.
that noone's there for me.
and really,
its fine this way.

"tolife: we dont miss a thing (:"
did it meant that tolife (whoever that is) could see everything,
such that he/she does not miss out any detail or whatsoever?

but noone ever saw anything did they?
and they never would.
even if they did,
they never did care.
as a matter of fact,
i never cared about anyone before.
even if i did,
it wasn't appreciated.
it never was.
so perhaps,
this world would stay this way.
getting colder.
where people cared about noone but themselves.
where people were afraid of getting hurt.
and noone's doing anything about it.
its dying! (theworldisblack by gc)

all i want to say was that,
nothing mattered anymore.

[but i'll still march on till the end.]
[i know i would.]

2009-10-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

what if we have forgotten how the sun looked like?
what if we have stayed in the dark too long;
that we forgotten the existence of light?
what if the night continues;
and the day never comes?
what if we realise that we are waiting for something non-existent;
just to keep ourselves moving?
what if we've been trying so hard;
that we feel like suffocating?
what if the sun vanishes from our memories;
leaving nothing behind?

what do we rely on?
after figuring that everything have been in vain.
who do we count on?
after seeing them leave one by one;
never turning back;
abandoning that lone figure.

perhaps from the very beginning,
we should have learnt that nothing mattered.
we should have learnt to rely on no one but ourselves.
we should have learnt that trust never existed.
especially in this world of nothingness.

but was it possible?

2009-10-12T02:37:00.000-07:00

inspirational much.
there's someone out there who feels this way.
someone felt the same not so long ago.
march on. (:
we'll make it through the night and see the sun.
i remember times alone.
i rememeber winters were so cold.
march on. (:
till we see the sun.
till we see the sun.
through the good times, through the bad times.
keep on.
even when there's noone there for you,
even when the days are long for you,
MARCH ON.

hee this doesnt really make sense bec i only took out bits and pieces of the song but still, gc march on ftw!

i really wanna dedicate this
to everyone who ever cried themselves to bed.
to everyone who ever felt that life sucks.
to everyone who ever thought of suicide.
to everyone who ever felt that noone understood them.
to everyone who ever thought that they're all alone.
to everyone who ever felt that nothing's worth fighting for.
to everyone who can't take anything any longer.

because there was someone who felt the same way.
out there. (:

perhaps it doesn't really matter, does it?

2009-09-30T22:44:00.000-07:00

im losing everything.
everything that i once thought i had.
and i thought i had too much of.
now i realised that i took it all for granted.
and whats left is just a few 4.0s.
please dont take it away.
thats all thats left.
and i just cant find the way to change it all.
nothing lasts forever.
indeed.
and i cant do anything about it.
the perfection.
or rather the pretended one.
its gone.
and now how i hope i hadnt taken it for granted.
i hope i hadnt asked for more.
i hope everything can just return to how it had been.
but it wont will it?
my hopes never come true.
everyone's gone.
and im left here.
to deal with the failures.
of lit and piano and friendships.
why doesnt anything last?

2009-09-11T20:08:00.000-07:00

relief.
i realised we werent the same.
at least not entirely.
i realised you didnt understand.
at least not entirely.
i realised i was not proved wrong.
at least not entirely.
i knew it in that instance,
when you couldnt see through that lie.
that convincing lie.
well it was made to be convincing,
so it wasnt your fault.
it wasnt anyone's fault.
even though it was clear from the very beginning,
i had hopes.
i wished you really did understand.
i wished we were really the same.
i wished i was proved wrong.
i had doubts about it at first.
but now.
i dont have to think about it anymore.
now that it was proven to be a false hope.
it was always this way wasnt it?
it is no longer a surprise.
but waiting for that dream to be fulfilled,
brings me immense pleasure.
thank you.
for letting me wait.
even if it never existed.
for giving me hopes.
even though they were dashed.
thank you really.

2009-08-31T03:10:00.000-07:00

im starting to listen to new songs. ;D
and i realised there were many more apt songs.
actually its just simple plan.
and good charlotte.
and westlife maybe.
but i dont really like westlife.
bec they arent very apt.
but faith likes it. D:
then i saw this comment on youtube.
he said like simple plan were millionares
so they shouldnt be fretting over life.
or something like that.
but maybe he never really thought.
money may not be what they wanted.
it happens alot of real life doesnt it?
when people think that we get what WE wanted.
i capsed that bec thats what people think we wanted.
making assumptions wont do anyone any good.
they think we lead a perfect life.
bec we have the perfect friends.
the perfect grades.
the perfect family.
but perhaps despite all these perfections,
they failed to see the imperfections beneath.
the misery beneath.
(misery by GC ftw!)
it is the fake self we put in front.
the self we want others to see us as.
and perhaps since we want others to see us this way,
we cant blame them for mistaking.
but perhaps.
just perhaps.
they can spend less time assuming.
and more time looking.
okay this doesnt make sense.
just try not to assume.
although thats what i do sometimes too.
and i realised i hurt others in the midst of doing so.
tired.

2009-07-30T06:49:00.000-07:00

tired of all the acting, all the pretences.
tired of pretending to be nonchalant;
when caring is a necessity.
of pretending to care;
when everyone else does.
of pretending to be the perfect kid;
when imperfection is satisfactory.
of pretending to fit in;
when its not possible.
of pretending to be studious;
when work doesnt matter.
of pretending to smile;
when theres no happiness.
of pretending to like someone;
when she doesnt deserve it.
of pretending to laugh;
when nothing's hilarious.
of pretending to ignore everthing else;
when its difficult.
of pretending to suppress the emotions;
when it hurts.
of pretending to pretend.
yet when a little of the facade peels off,
when i act like the real me,
disdainful glances are thrown at me.
how hard is it to keep that A* student image?
how hard is it to keep that perfect kid image?
how hard is it to keep that cheerful disposition?
it hurts;
to keep everyone out of the hidden self;
the unseen soul.
until one day,
i would be too cooped up with the facade
i would just lose myself;
forget who i really am.
if only ctrl-Z existed,
everything would work out.
the butterfly effect.
incognito's blog said:
we are who we pretend to be. [?]
and yet all the happiness i experienced under another individual
could just be another lie my subconscious mind wove.
under false pretences.

2009-06-01T05:59:00.001-07:00

"belle's pm on msn made me ponder over her question for quite some time.
it went like this: lifeisaneverendingstretchofobstacles.butattheendofit.wadsthepoint?
really. theres no point in life, is there?
i know some live for their families/friends.
but after that then what?
are you sure that they really need you as much as you need them to live on?
lets say if you die.
what can they do?
maybe they will grief over your death,
but after that they have to live their own lives.
maybe they wont forget you but so what?
i dont know.
or maybe you live for success.
everyday you strive so hard;
you fell then you stood up again.
isnt it just so tiring?
are you sure what you are working so hard for will give you everlasting happiness?
idk, maybe it would bring you a moment of satisfaction.
but after that you hope to achieve more.
you strive even harder to reach your goal.
then you have new goals.
then you work and work and work.
is that moment of satisfaction or pride really worth all the time and effort you have put in?
and tears and pain.
yes maybe it would be for some, but certainly not for me.
i dont know why im still studying so hard despite saying all these.
longlong ago my mother said that we work so hard to get a good job.
well i wanted to be a psychologist some time ago.
lets say i really became one.
i had worked so hard to pass the exam, to get a degree maybe.
then i work hard to make a name for myself.
maybe i will get famous whatsoever.
then after all that, what?
i can imagine myself sitting here at this computer 10 years later.
if i can live until then. ;D
i may be thinking of what i have done for the past 10 years.
i think i wont come up with any answer.
i may have gained much more knowledge but so what?
knowledge doesnt make up my life.
i think some may be thinking that im not treasuring the life God gave me.
especially when people are fighting so hard for their lives.
but have they really wondered?
what have they been living for all these while?
i know there are some who live to help others like Mother Theresa.
sadly i have not met any in my life.
but for those people out there,
good for you.
i dont know, i am just voicing out my opinions.
it might not be true.
its just that is whatever you are living for worth the pain and sufferings?[if you are]"
adapted.

2009-05-14T05:30:00.000-07:00

teehee now that exams are over i can blog more!
LOL nowadays i feel damn weird.
like do you ever have a feeling that noone is ever there for you?
like as if in the past, they liked you and in a flash they were oblivious to your existence.
and then you ponder over what you have done wrong.
yet when you cant get an answer, it seems even more ridiculous.
yeah then they come telling you whats wrong,
and you try your best to change.
for them.
to change what you have subconsciously done to them,
to be more sensitive to their feelings.
and yet they dont seem to notice what you have done.
like simply they only notice your wrongdoings but failed to see your amendments.
its so unfair isnt it?
how much you hope to end all these;
to treat this as all but a dream;
they failed to notice it.
is this what you call "true" friends?
and just one day, you feel so worn out.
you hope everything would end there and then,
and that everything would resume to normal tomorrow.
and it doesnt.
dont you feel like vanishing into thin air,
to put all this agony to an end?
it hurts, doesnt it?

yeah i know you feel horrible now,
but i never had this feeling. LOL.
anticlimax ttm.

2009-05-06T22:13:00.000-07:00

LOL. how long have i not blogged?
anyway it doesnt matter because people dont come here.
or at least it seems.
teehee today i had my 3 killer papers.
they sucked.
i dont know why my first few days of SAs went well and this didnt.
anyway i almost cried.
it was pathetic manszxs.
for lit i only made one claim for each question.
isnt that a fail?
for physics i made like alotalot of careless mistakes.
and god, i barely passed for my SPA.
please god, let me pass with flying colors.
for geog it was the best.
at least i knew how to answer the questions.
but hearing from people that they wrote down 6 points for the 6m question,
i think i may just flunk the whole thing.
that day i read from incognito's blog that: if you want to see the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.
or something like that.
i guess its damn true.
but it have been raining for so long; when's the sun coming out again?
LOL jal told me yesterday that the rain will end tomorrow. (today)
yeap maybe the rain ended.
but the worst has yet to come.
the storm LOL.
what the hell is wrong.
did i not study hard enough or what.
uhhuh i think that its my useless brains.
wakeupwakeupwakeup amanda!
i kept trying to tell myself that it's all over.
but it just doesnt help. D:
and my parents made it worse.
my day is bad enough and they had to suan me.
scoldscoldscold.
mannn, i was so angry luh.
i totally fought back with her (mum) till she couldnt say anything.
shuang.
anyway she said that i should accept criticism graciously and not ding zhui.
LOL thats the benefit from learning debate in primary school. ;D
haha i shall not rattle[?] on about what happened.
oh wells, i just hope the sun comes out tomorrow.
or simply just let it drizzle.

2009-03-02T02:01:00.000-08:00

haha today i had my exams. D:
it was like pathetically hard manss.
i think im gonna fail my maths SA.
to think i wanted to get 4.0 for my GPA.
ridiculous. -.-
haha and i prayed to god countless times today.
i was asking for blessing and "begging" him to let me pass with flying colors.
i think god thinks that im too weak.
in fact me myself think im weak.
its like i cant even take a little failure.
i even wanted to cry in the bus man.
baka moyashi.
damn angry with myself.
tsktsk.
butbut i was like really confident for my maths.
i dont know why i managed to make so many mistakes in my SA.
stupid girl. -.-
sighs.
maggy and i and jallene (and ang o.o) went for bento packing today.
its was like kinda fun but we didnt prepare anything.
actually we were supposed to bring food.
andand we ended up buying food from the stalls. (:
even that, we still managed to come up with quite nice looking stuff. o.o
but yea, we didnt win at all.
nevermind, we shall prepare more next time.
if there even is another competition.
sighs. D:
amanda is going to fail all her subjects.
be prepared everyone.
though i dont see the reason too.
haha lol im crapping down here.
okay gtg mug for physics SPA tomorrow.
goodbye. (:

2009-03-01T04:23:00.000-08:00

hello people.
i have threee exams tomorrow.
haha and im here slacking.
but anyway cannot mug the whole day one what.
so yeap.
nowadays i keep praying to god.
i asked for blessings for my exams.
feeling kinda stressed sometimes.
butbut nevermind.
god is there for me!
gambate amanda.
today i feel sloggish manss.
nevermind.
cheer up!!
i wonder why im talking to myself. o.O
LAME SHIT. -.-
haha i dont know what to say.
gahhh.
lets just end here.
goodluck to rafflesians for their coming exams! :D

2009-01-21T20:54:00.000-08:00

heehee hello people!
im damn bored now.
ICT sucks.
haha i finished my work.
XPXPXP
yeeee, i dont know what to do.
tsktsk, today my classmates got booked.
sighs, i bet they are damn sad right now.
LOL. i dont know why,
but i can feel it too.
i know how it feels to get booked.
what to do now?
nothing.

JALLENE: HELLO WORLD. :D

...
i think jallene is more opened up now.
haha changed alot.
but sometimes she kinda weird like cold and stuff.
but its great at least sometimes shes happy.
XDXDXD
hahaha, it must have been all my credit!
hahaha, im glad though.
that shes opened up.

haha lets skip this.
today incognito told me that she was stressed.
i wonder if shes fine.
i hope so.
INCOGNITO!
if you are reading this,
know that there is amanda here for you!
haha cheer up yea?

haha lets skip this.
ummmm. the teacher is looking at me.
haha gtg.
byebye suckahs.
the head suckah says bye!
suckahs: byebye leader!

LOL. -.-"

2009-01-17T06:09:00.000-08:00

haha hello suckahs.
its a suckah here.
i dont know why but today i feel exceptionally sian.
like DAMN DAMN sian.
i dont feel like doing anything at all.
even the thing that i love most:
studying jap.
omg, sian like hell.
like lazy and sloggy all over.
hoho, maybe its my flu.
omgomgomg, what to do?
nothing. -.-"
perhaps i would be okay by omorrow.
and yeah, like being all happy infront of my classmates.
i know some of them are kinda moody.
like i dont know why but some of them i do. o.O
i want to cheer them up.
but sometimes i get sian too.
like i think people think im irritating or something.
but there are like many hyper people in class.
so i doubt they think im irritating.
but there are still damn cold people.
ya, so what to do?
change totally on monday?
haha good idea.
'cos i dont seem to be cheering people up.
mann. you are a suckah man,
AMANDA KANG.
SUCKAH LIKE TOTALLY.
YOU SUCK AMANDA.
i never had the talent of cheering people up.
and i now sort of cultivated the habit of being happy.
omg.
stop this immediately.
SUCKAH AMANDA KANG. D:
SUCKAH STOP BEING HAPPY.
ITS IRRITATING ME.
you know why i like being sad?
'cos i dont have to smile.
just keep that impassive expression.
omg.
STOP.

2009-01-10T05:50:00.000-08:00

haha this is the how many times i updated?
tsk, i shouldnt have change the WHOLE blog.
now my old stuff aint here anymore.
omg, s1 orientation is over! D:
go go 104! friends FOURever! (this is from amanda kuan)
LOL.
go go 104 PSLs!
thank you amanda, anthea, lingyue, joanna, cheryl and claire!!
and pb!
thank you emily and anissa!
godd, time flies.
haha, today theres orientation concert!
damn fun sia.
everyone was like cheering.
so heartwarming to see the bonded 104!
3 cheers and 3 cheers and 3 cheers to 104, psls and prefects!
hiphip---- horray!
hiphip---- hooray!
hiphip---- hooray!
and cmu!!! go cmuuu!
sighs, no more slacking.
time to get going.
WORK WORK WORK.
all in all, thank you 104 prefects and psls.
love you!

2008-12-17T16:19:00.000-08:00

today i got into rgs!
aint that great?
yea, it is!
HOORAY.
actually i somehow guessed it.
so i aint that happy now.
XP.
hmm, tomorrow must go school AGAIN.
in the SAME school uniform. D:
butbut the good thing is that i can see my friends again.
like perhaps amah, isy, mitch and the mad chicken(s)?
haha lol.
today im going to yumcha with my family.
and im going out AGAIN.
hehe, what to do?
and my mum seems very kanchiong.
must calm down a bit.
cannot so kanchiong.
sighs.
-shakes head in desperation-
that sums it all.
i think i dont really like posting mans.

2008-12-15T16:42:00.000-08:00

hello fellow humans.
this is my new blog!
change your urls please.
thanks.
haha, this is my first post!
i think thats obvious. -.-"
anyway, please give your comments on my tagboard.
it will be good if it aint too harsh.
butbut please give your true opinions.
thanks.
sighs, theres isnt much to say.
wait, let me count.
there is 3 more days till i see my friends again.
isnt that great?
yea it is.
today im going out with my mother.
im kinda excited.
weird.
maybe i havent gone out for ages.
yea, that must be it.
yesterday huilee asked me whats with the obsession with guns.
haha, i didnt know how to answer her.
i think i was probably influenced by the imperial spy.
or maybe traitor.
im still waiting for the imperial assassin from my cousin,
and she never brings it. D;
that sums it all.